Who Stole Kitty's Whiskers?
by Crazy Gal
Summary: this is very, very funny! please R
1. Stolen???

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS. 

### *~*~*~*Who stole Kitty's Whiskers???????*~*~*~*

Sabrina ran downstairs, a brush in one hand and her school bag in the other. Her hair was a mess.

"I'm gonna be late!" she panted. "Salem, where's my breakfast?" 

"Over there," he said, jerking his head to one side. "In the bread box." 

"But Aunt Hilda promised me she'd put my toast on!" groaned Sabrina. "She knew I was going into school early!" 

Salem glanced up from reading a book: "How to make your cat happy," and laughed. 

"Do you know what it says here?" he said. "It says any cat can be conned with a ball of yarn! Perlease! By the way it is my fault Hilda didn't make the breakfast-I didn't wake her up. She told me I had to. Hahahaha!" 

Sabrina knew this was a lie as Hilda wasn't in her bed. But Salem thought it was a great joke, and was laughing his paws off. Sabrina pointed, and an enormous ball of yarn appeared. Salem stopped laughing and stared. 

"Please tell me this is what I think it is?" he said, looking at Sabrina in delight. 

"Something you said didn't make cats happy?" she said. 

"Oh yeah," he said. "I thought it was-something else." Hilda came bustling in. "Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry. I didn't put on your toast. Let me..." 

"No I'll do it," grumbled Sabrina. She pointed at the toaster and a couple of slices of toast flew into the air and into her hand. 

Hilda frowned. "I'm sorry," she said. "I knew it was going to be hard work again." She gave Sabrina a hug. 

"I'm gonna have to eat these on the way to school," she said. She walked out the kitchen door, then looked in. Salem was jumping on the yarn, having the best time of his life. Well, his second life, thought Sabrina. He lost one yesterday when he walked in front of the speeding milk float. She walked to school. 

"Hey Harvey," she said, bouncing up to him. 

"Hey. Have you revised for French?" he said, shutting his locker and walking with her to Science, where Mr Poole was waiting for them eagerly. 

"No," she said, laughing, as Mr Poole pounced on them. He was smiling, a thing he hardly ever did. 

"Look," he said, holding up a newspaper. "We got on the front page with our Science experiment we did last Tuesday!" 

"Wow," said Sabrina. "That's good. Did we win?" Sabrina, Harvey and Mr Poole had entered a Science contest last week, competing against people from other schools. There's was to do with Sodium and how it burns in water, and they'd managed to make a huge flame come up from the sodium they put in WITHOUT HURTING ANYONE, which was a first for Mr Poole. 

"We came second," he said miserably. "But we won a tenner each." 

"10 dollars?" said Sabrina. Harvey laughed. "No, 10 cents," he said. 

"$10 isn't too bad," she said. "In fact, I can buy that cute top now without having to go delving into my savings." 

Mr Poole gave her and Harvey their money. They went to sit down. 

"Hi Harvey," said The Dreaded Voice, Libby Chesler, who came to sit next to Harvey. Harvey grinned. "Hi," he said. 

"What are you doing after school?" asked Libby. Harvey looked a bit worried. Sabrina looked at him. She knew he wasn't doing anything, but he didn't want to go out with Libby Chesler. But he didn't like telling lies, or being nasty. 

"He's going to the Slicery for a date with me, aren't you Harvey?" she said, not wanting to look at him. 

"Yes," came the reply. Sabrina was surprised. She thought Harvey would muck it up. He smiled at her gratefully after Libby had gone. 

"Thanks," he said. "Umm, can we go to the Slicery after school? I'd really like that." 

"Sure," said Sabrina, and smiled. 

You may not have realised, in fact you probably haven't, but Sabrina and Harvey have recently broken up, because Harvey's dad wanted him to go out with other girls other than Sabrina. Now his dad was cool about it, but Sabrina didn't know whether she dared asking him out again. They were still good friends, but, until today, Harvey hadn't been out with her. Sabrina hoped this would mean something. 

He leant over and pecked her on the cheek. She was so used to it she didn't notice until after it had happened. She looked up in astonishment, but Harvey mistook it for annoyance. He went really red. 

"I'm sorry," he said. 

"I'm not," said Sabrina, and smiled. "Not at all." 

After school they went to the Slicery. Harvey kissed her again, this time on the lips. Sabrina liked it. 

When he asked her to go steady, she whooped with glee, and nodded. And luckily, Libby was there, just so she could make sure he was really out, and witnesed it all. She looked ready to kill! 

Harvey walked Sabrina back. "I'll be able to drive next week," he said. "And I'll take you out." 

Sabrina nodded. They kissed at the front door. Then Sabrina walked inside. 

There was pandemonium. Zelda came rushing out of the kitchen, looking very white. "Salem's whiskers have been stolen!" she exclaimed, and ran upstairs, presumably to look for them. 

She went into the kitchen. Salem was doing his annoying sob (a he he he he he he) and Hilda was comforting him. 

Sabrina banged her books down on the table. "Explain," she demanded. 

So Hilda did, while Salem was crying. "Look at him," she said. "Not one whisker." 

"So?" 

Hilda took her to one side. "When a cat loses his whiskers that's really a man, when he turns back into a man he hasn't got a-a," she stopped suddenly. 

"What?" asked Sabrina, giggling. 

"Any hair!" 

Sabrina burst out laughing. Salem looked up indignantly. 

"What's wrong with that?" he asked. 

"You're gonna be bald! You're gonna be bald," she chanted. 

There was a knock upstairs from the linen closet. Zelda ran upstairs to answer it. She came down with a big police officer from the Other Realm. 

"Do you know who stole them?" she asked the officer. 

"Yes we do," he said sternly. He pointed at Sabrina. "Miss Sabrina Spellman, I'm arresting you for stealing valuable cat whiskers. You do not have to say anything..." 


	2. Whodunit?

##  Who stole Kitty's Whiskers? Part two.

##### DISCLAMER : read the others

Zelda screamed. "Sabrina wouldn't do that!" she said, putting her arms round her. Then she took them away and turned her around so she was facing Sabrina. "You wouldn't, right?" she said. 

"Why did the cat have to suffer?" moaned Salem. "She didn't do it. My Sabreeny wouldn't take my whiskers! Uh-huh huh huh huh huh!" 

"He's right," said Sabrina, a little outraged, and slightly flushed. "Sabreeny... wait a minute!" she turned to face the cat. "Who's Sabreeny?" 

"Umm..." Salem turned away. "Uh-huh huh huh huh huh." 

Sabrina ignored him. "You have no proof," she said. 

The officer nodded. "Oh yes we do," he said. "We saw a female figure sneak into the kitchen. You know those telescopes in your kitchens have cam-corders?" he said. "A BLONDE female figure, may I add. Small and delicate like you." 

Sabrina shook her head. Her mind raced back to what she had been doing. "What time did this happen?" she asked. 

"Around two this after, while he was asleep," said Hilda, not looking at Sabrina. "I'm ashamed of you Sabrina." 

"But I was at school!" she said. "Valerie, a mortal, can vouch for that! I'll ring her now!" 

Sabrina dived for the phone. The officer tapped his foot. 

"Excuse me," he said. "Normal procedure is, when I arrest you, you come to court. This isn't Kilroy, or something like that. But I will give you two minutes to phone this "witness."" 

Sabrina quickly dialled the number. "Hello? Val! Look, this is gonna sound real strange, but can you tell Aunt Zelda where I was 2 o'clock?" 

Sabrina passed over the phone. She heard chatter. A wave of relief flooded into Zelda's face. 

Zelda put the phone down. "Sabrina was in school," she said. 

"Right," said the officer. "I will need to bring this Valerie to court. Don't worry," he said, as panic flooded over Sabrina's face. "We will put a memory charm on her." 

He snapped his fingers and a pikachu appeared. "Oops," he said. "Excuse me. Magic hasn't been working well lately." He zapped it back. He snapped his fingers again, and Valerie appeared, wearing her purple blouse and her blue jeans. She had a spoon in her hand. She looked up. 

"Ah!" she said. "Where am I? I was just eating soup!" 

The officer snapped his fingers again. The spoon vanished, and Valerie became normal. "Why am I here?" she asked. 

"You have to come to court," said the officer. "If you don't mind. You just have to give evidence that Sabrina was at school at 2pm this afternoon. OK?" 

"Yes," she said. "Come on then." 

Zelda looked shocked. "I really do believe..." she began. 

"Oh, who gives a toss about what you believe?" said Aunt Hilda. "How are we getting there?" 

"In my supa-doopa jeep," he said. "Complete with pop-corn and soda!" 

"Ooh," giggled Hilda. She pulled him over to one side. "Are you married?" she asked. 

He shook his head. "OK, you can sit in the front," he sighed. 

"Woohoo!" said Hilda, smiling. "I'm sitting in the front, I'm sitting in the front..." 

"Aunt Hilda!" called Sabrina, as Hilda opened the kitchen door. "Aren't you bothered about me?" 

But Hilda had already run upstairs and was waiting at the linen closet. She opened the door, and there was a black Jeep inside. 

Zelda came up, holding Salem, who was crying again, followed by the police officer (whose name was Mr. Waddle) followed by Sabrina and Valerie. When Val saw the linen closet and the jeep inside she didn't look surprised. She pointed. "I guess we sit in there?" she asked. 

"Yep," said Salem. Valerie petted the cat. "Aw," she cooed. "He's just a big ball of fluff." 

"That's what he is all right," chorused Sabrina, the aunts and Salem. Salem looked hurt. "You mock me?" he said. "Just because you know when I am a man I will be bald! Uh-huh huh huh huh huh!!!!!" 

"No, silly," said Sabrina. The officer was in the car. "Get in here!" he said. 

"Just a normal day out," said Sabrina, smiling at Val and helping her in. She closed her eyes. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

When she opened her eyes Salem, Hilda and Zelda, Valerie and the Officer were sitting in the audience, as Sabrina called them. She was in a box she had often seen on telly, where the defendant stands. She felt like she was going to faint. 

There was no-one sitting where the judge should sit. But soon a voice called : "Judge Springer! Judge Springer!" 

Yep, you're right. Jerry Springer came out from behind the curtain. He stared at Sabrina, then sat down. 

"I remember you!" he exclaimed. "You were the one who brought back your vice-principal..." 

"Principal now," corrected Sabrina. 

"Whatever. Your principal's ex-wife. Well, let's see what you've done THIS time, dear Spellman. You are charged with stealing a cat's precious whiskers, a cat who is a man in kitty's clothing. This means that..." he paused, then coughed. "He will not have any hair when he comes back. Not one hair, anywhere on his body." 

Sabrina heard soemone giggle from the audience. Looking, she saw it was Hilda, as she had a sock only suitable for a giant with feet size 100 (US) in her mouth. She also heard Salem's crying. She stood up. 

"How do you plead?" he said. 

"Not guilty," she said. The judge looked at the jury in astonishment. Then he turned back to Sabrina. "My dear," he said. "In The Other Realm, if you didn't do it, you say "youmustbejoking" and if you did do it, you say "i'masadloser." 

"Okay," said Sabrina, giggling. "Youmustbejoking." 

"Ooh, so you plead not guilty," he said. Sabrina sighed. "That's what I said..." 

"Tsk, tsk! I can only have your last answer." 

"But.." 

"Silence!" He banged a razor on the table, which broke in two pieces. "You have a witness to say where you were, I gather? Valerie. Come up to the witness box." 

Valerie came. "Sabrina vaz een zee sossage lob hart doo hocluck," she said. Sabrina was astonished. But Jerry Springer seemed to understand. "Good," he said. Sabrina partly understood. 

"My lord..." 

"You may call me The Father." 

"Hmm...okay, The Father, this is very different to courts in the mortal Realm." 

"Indeed! Our court should not be compared to Mortal Courts. They are cofuffle and annoying. They should all be burnt down to the ground!" he said. "Anyway, let us now look at the video." 

Sabrina saw it. She had to admit, it did look like her. But there was one thing wrong. 

"The Father!" she said, after watching the video. "I would NEVER tie my hair back like that. And," she added, "from that video, I think I know who the culprit is!" 

Jerry turned round and glanced at her. He looked at the jury. They all nodded. "Ok," he said. "Who do you think it is?" 

Sabrina leaned over, so she had full view of the audience. "The Father," she said slowly. "I'm sorry to say, it was, I think, and I should know...my Aunt Hilda." 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

READ THE LAST CHAPTER VERY SOON!!!!!!!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


	3. Why?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*WHO STOLE KITTY'S WHISKERS?~*~*~*~*~*~*~* LAST CHAPTER!!!

Sabrina looked over at Hilda. She was sitting back in her chair, her face extremely red. Sabrina felt like crying. She hadn't meant to tell. But it was obviously Hilda. And Sabrina didn't want to be blamed. 

"How could you?" yelled Zelda. "You let us believe it was Sabrina! Why didn't you at least write an annonymous note to The Father?" 

"Because I always sign my annonymous letters. I forget," she said. "And who says I did it? It wasn't me!" 

Everyone in court looked at her. 

"OK, so it was me," she said, and sat down. Chatter broke out in the hall. 

"Franderty!" yelled Springer. Everyone fell silent. "Hilda Spellman, come to the Box." 

Hilda walked to the box where Sabrina was standing silently. Sabrina grinned at Hilda, but Hilda glared back, then looked away. "I suppose you think it's funny," she said, her nose in the air. 

"Aunt Hilda..." 

"Hilda Reasderny Spellman, you have admitted to stealing valuable cats whiskers." Springer leaned over. "Exactly why did you want them?" he whispered. 

"I wanted to sell them to The Bald One," she whispered back. 

"Oh right." He got back into his position. "Ahem. Hilda, have you got the whiskers?" 

Hilda sighed. "Oh alright," she said. "They're in my pocket." 

"Give them to me!" 

Hilda handed them over. Salem was crying again. "My Hildy wouldn't steal my whiskers!" 

"Hildy?" asked the audience, turning round. 

"A-he-he-he-he-he," he said, then fell silent. 

"They are definately the whiskers The Father," said the guard. 

"Great." He said. "Well then, everyone can go home. After this," he said, and pointed at the cat. 

"My whiskers!" he said. "They're back!" 

"We can go? Even Hilda?" asked Sabrina. 

"Yep. The cat has his whiskers. No harm was done. Bye!" 

"But..." 

"Come on Sabrina, let's go," said Valerie, pleading. "I don't like him!" She pointed at Springer. He stood up. "Fine. I don't like you," he retorted. "Take care of yourselves-and each other." He waved his hands, and the court vanished. 

When Sabrina woke, she was laying on the sofa in her own home. Valerie was on the floor, asleep, and Hilda and Zelda were in the dining room, having an argument. Sabrina crept to the door and earwigged. 

"I can't believe you would do such a thing!" said Zelda. 

"Why not? He's stolen our privacy. The witches council just plonked him here. I wanted to pay him back." 

"Well why couldn't you have given him an Electra-Shock?" 

Hilda paused. "Good idea!" she said. "I'll go and get the lightning clouds. You can..." 

"Hilda listen to yourself!" said Zelda. "You're turning mean! What is happening to you?" 

"I don't know," said Hilda. "I'm not usually like this. Look, let's go get a foghorn and wake up Val." 

"NO!" said Sabrina, marching in. "I know what this is. I was reading about this last night in my spell book." 

Zelda pressed her hands together, and a smile formed on her face. "You read the magic book!" she exclaimed. "I'm so proud of you!" 

"Yeah yeah yeah, thanks for the praise," she said. "Anyway, I bet you didn't know this Aunt Zelda! If someone makes you feel really unhappy, you take it out on other people, and blame them for it, like blaming Salem for being put here." 

"Really?" asked Hilda in surprise. 

"Yes really," said Sabrina. "It can cause frustration and you just want to really hurt someone." 

"Really?" 

Sabrina turned round. "Yes, REALLY!" she exclaimed. 

Zelda looked thoughtful. "But Hilda wanted to sell them to Baldy One, or whatever his name is. Was that the real reason, Hildy? Hilda?" 

"Erm..." she said. 

"Well?" 

"No. I did it because I felt...mean...and I wanted to hurt someone. Sabrina is right," she said, looking rather ashamed. 

"So who is making you feel really unhappy?" asked Zelda. 

"Well it could be Michael Douglas. I mean, he did marry Catherine, and he promised me he'd marry ME," said Hilda thoughtfully. "But then again, it could be Beethoven. I think he went deaf on purpose when I was about to play my violin to him. Either that or it's a very big coincidence," she said. "I hated him after that." 

"No," said Sabrina. "I doubt it was Beethoven. It could have been Michael-wait a minute-you were going out with him?" 

"Oh yes," she said. "I dated him for a few years. Then he started doing more films, and we lost touch." 

"Well, it isn't him then," said Zelda. 

"I think I know who it is," said Sabrina. 

"Who?" asked Zelda. "And how can you be sure?" 

"Aunt Hilda," said Sabrina. "You're cross with me aren't you?" 

********************************************************************* 

Sabrina lay down on her bed, sobbing a little. Her thoughts had been true. Hilda was annoyed with Sabrina, because she had invaded on her privacy. 

"Knock knock," whispered someone from outside. 

"Who's there?" asked Sabrina, her voice a little high and quiet. 

"Hilda. I need to talk to you." 

Sabrina sighed. "Come in then," she said. 

Hilda opened the door and came to sit on Sabrina's bed. "I'm sorry love," she said. "Zelda has worked out a substance to get rid of my jealousy stroke crossness stroke silliness," she said. Sabrina laughed. 

"That's a good way of putting it," she said. "Have you got jellitosis?" 

"I have Jelly," she said. "A form of jellitosis that isn't as bad and just turns me yellow instead of green." 

"Cool," said Sabrina 

"I don't think it's cool," she said. "It makes me look like something that has been spat out by a dog." 

Sabrina laughed again. "Are you cross with me?2 she asked Hilda. 

Hilda gave her a hug. "Of course not," she said. "I love you just as much, maybe more, than your mum loves you. I think my inner self wanted some privacy, but who gives a damn about my inner self?" 

Sabrina got up. "Aunt Hilda, can I show you a spell I learnt?" she asked. "I rather think you'll like it. It's called a 5 minute Wonder Spell." 

"OK," said Hilda. "I'm sure I've said this before, but they must have upgraded the Magic Book, because I've never heard of that spell before." 

"Yeah," said Sabrina, closing her eyes and waving her hands around mystically. "You said it when I got rid of Fear." 

Sabrina sat down. "Be silent," she said. I have to say a special rhyme, then the spell you'll need. 

Ragine, rogine, far and fer, gristly forocivus fertaduer. Because my aunts mind is twisted and woven, please bring back the great Beethoven! With hearing," she added. 

"Oh my God!" she heard her aunt cry. "It's Beethoven!" 

Sabrina opened her eyes. An old man sat on her bed, and twiddled his thumbs. "Come on then Hilda," he said. "Play me something!" 

"Okay!" said Hilda. She pointed her violin into her arms, and began to play. 

"AUNT HILDA!" cried Sabrina. "You're playing the Friends Theme tune!" 

Beethoven smiled. "I really like this song," he said. "Play more. And you, girl, you sing." 

"Sing!" 

"Yes. Go on!" 

So Sabrina sang as Hilda played. And Salem came up the stairs as the song nearly finished. This story ends with these words: 

"I'll be there for you, Cos you're there for me too." 


End file.
